At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
