Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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