in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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