you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
