Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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