Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
