I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
