you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize