There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
