to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize