My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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