it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
