Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
