Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
