i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
