I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
