The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's just like the Real World with babies
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
