I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
