I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
