So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dick very happy bro
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
