how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
