I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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