3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
