I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
