Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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