Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
God gave him joint rollers for hands
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
