I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
