She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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