i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
