what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
