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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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