I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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