I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
