You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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