I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The maid of honor just puked.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
