Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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