My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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