I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
