the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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