she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
