That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
