he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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