So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
