Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
