I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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