I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
