I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
