all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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