Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
