i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
