Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
