What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
