sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
