Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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