I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize