There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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