I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
