I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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