I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love you.
Bad choice
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
