her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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