genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
