She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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