Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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